I don’t know how to say all of this, without you judging me, so I’m just going to say it and know you will, but try not to care.

For those of you that know me at all, you know about my vicious cycle of “go God!” then “I don’t know if I believe in God (or rebellion of some sorts).” Well, I just thought I’d come out and clear things up that I suppose I’m on my “rebellion” side right now, but I just want to say that I think it’s probably for good. I mean, I know you’re probably going to read that and be like, “yeah, she’s always confident that however she is at the moment is how she’s going to stay”, but I really think it is. I’ve just tried and tried to live the Christian life, and I’ve truly believed it and relied on God completely or as much as I feel is humanly possible for the strength to be faithful, battle temptations, and so on, but I just can’t do it. My desires ALWAYS overpower at some point and I come back to my life of just really living life. I can’t help it. I enjoy drinking with friends on Saturday nights. I like herbal things on occasion; it keeps me surviving when I don’t want to. I want to have premarrital sex with my future husband someday. I don’t mean to be totally obscure, but I’m just trying to be totally honest about my feelings. I don’t think that these things make someone a bad person or anything, I just know that this lifestyle that I want and the Christian lifestyle that I also desire just cannot go together, so I have to choose. And so knowing that if I were to continue choosing the “Christian lifestyle,” I would continue falling back to this “worldly lifestyle” or whatever you want to call it, so there’s no use fighting it. I’m just trying to live my life and be as happy as I can be. It gets so rough sometimes or so just really sad sometimes, and I’m not trying to complain because I know it’s that way for everyone, and I know that it’s a lot worse for some; I’m just trying to be honest about how I feel. I love so many people in my “Christian bubble” or whatever, but I feel like I can’t be friends with them if I don’t choose to live the same way as them because I know they’re always judging me or finding my honesty taboo. I don’t know. I’m just doing my best, and trying to accept that this ridiculous cycle is just a part of my life. I’ll do my best to stop it, but if it stops right here (which it most likely will), I’m living for me, my happiness, and servicing others as best as I can. Sorry if this burdens anyone. My advice is don’t let it; it’s no use. I know how I used to feel as a Christian when I felt there was fleeting hope for someone. Don’t let this do that to you; I’ll be just fine. Goodnight.