For those of you that know me at all, you know about my vicious cycle of “go God!” then “I don’t know if I believe in God (or rebellion of some sorts).” Well, I just thought I’d come out and clear things up that I suppose I’m on my “rebellion” side right now, but I just want to say that I think it’s probably for good. I mean, I know you’re probably going to read that and be like, “yeah, she’s always confident that however she is at the moment is how she’s going to stay”, but I really think it is. I’ve just tried and tried to live the Christian life, and I’ve truly believed it and relied on God completely or as much as I feel is humanly possible for the strength to be faithful, battle temptations, and so on, but I just can’t do it. My desires ALWAYS overpower at some point and I come back to my life of just really living life. I can’t help it. I enjoy drinking with friends on Saturday nights. I like herbal things on occasion; it keeps me surviving when I don’t want to. I want to have premarrital sex with my future husband someday. I don’t mean to be totally obscure, but I’m just trying to be totally honest about my feelings. I don’t think that these things make someone a bad person or anything, I just know that this lifestyle that I want and the Christian lifestyle that I also desire just cannot go together, so I have to choose. And so knowing that if I were to continue choosing the “Christian lifestyle,” I would continue falling back to this “worldly lifestyle” or whatever you want to call it, so there’s no use fighting it. I’m just trying to live my life and be as happy as I can be. It gets so rough sometimes or so just really sad sometimes, and I’m not trying to complain because I know it’s that way for everyone, and I know that it’s a lot worse for some; I’m just trying to be honest about how I feel. I love so many people in my “Christian bubble” or whatever, but I feel like I can’t be friends with them if I don’t choose to live the same way as them because I know they’re always judging me or finding my honesty taboo. I don’t know. I’m just doing my best, and trying to accept that this ridiculous cycle is just a part of my life. I’ll do my best to stop it, but if it stops right here (which it most likely will), I’m living for me, my happiness, and servicing others as best as I can. Sorry if this burdens anyone. My advice is don’t let it; it’s no use. I know how I used to feel as a Christian when I felt there was fleeting hope for someone. Don’t let this do that to you; I’ll be just fine. Goodnight.
Gotta live in today…
So, I’ve had this goal for several months now to life for today as a general idea. I do pretty well most days. But today as my mind, left unattended, sank into the past, I failed my goal for a brief couple of hours. I found myself pining for the days of flaming dryer lent balls and sitting up talking until four in the morning about the silliest and the saddest things. I miss some people so much. I don’t think many people could ever understand the hurt I have inside. I try not to have regrets too much, but I have to say if I had the last two years of my life to do over, I damn sure wouldn’t do them the same. I don’t mean to be vulgar, I just want to make a point. I have screwed up more times (when I should have learned) than there’s excuse for. And my life isn’t some pile of dog crap in the corner of an abandoned trailor that nobody remembers. It’s pretty good, really. I have family that loves me (although, I fearfuly believe they wouldn’t if they ever knew the true filth in my life); they support me, tell me when they’re proud of me and celebrate my achievements. I have friends, granted they will never be the group I fell in love with back home; they got my back and all that stuff that friends do, and I the same for them. I have a lot; much more than most, and I hope that no one ever believes that I don’t appreciate it. I may, from time to time, slip up and take something I have for granted, but the moment I realize, appoligies are given where they are due, and I work harder from then to not let anything go unappreciated. So my sadness doesn’t come from some selfish idea that I don’t have enough; it comes from the fact that I don’t have all that I could. I don’t have my fullest potential. My screw ups have stolen me from the life of what I CAN achieve, and dumped me in a “happy” life, but not what I’m capable of. I don’t know if any of this makes since, and I’m probably going to read this tomorrow, and be like, “what the crap, Christi?!?!” But these were just some of my thoughts tonight. I really am happy, for the most part, here. I know I’ve screwed up, and I know what I have to do. I have to keep on living from here. This is where I’ve brought myself in life so far, and I just have to take it, go with it, and work my butt off to get to where I want to be from here. For me, that is wherever God leads me. I can’t wait to see! Goodnight.
This World Has Nothing For Me 